Monday, September 21, 2020

Comment Wall


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(Comments are invited open handedly)


  1. Hey PB, this story was very interesting and was a great adaptation of the original story Cunning Crane and the Crab. I really enjoy how you explore different characters which are just adaptations of the original, it really adds to the creativeness of your writing. One thing you did a really great job of was adding casual dialogue interactions between your characters. Dialogue is known to be a great addition to any story, especially when you are trying to explore some kind of message. One thing I would say is that you're lacking quite a bit of information in the author's notes. You should provide more background of the original story because I believe I have not read it since the beginning weeks. Also, towards the end in the final paragraph you provide information about the moral of the story, I think this something you should incorporate in your author's notes as well and not be a part of the story. All in all, I really enjoy your imaginative writing style and I look forward to reading some of your other stories in the future.

  2. Hey PB! This story was excellent as it showed how Christopher, who was once someone who commuted evil, was introduced to the good side bu Joshua. Joshua was able to use Christopher's tactics against him (sweet talking and charm) and help him become a better person and move away from his old ways. The theme of this story seemed to be one of forgiveness and fortitude and showed how even when you may seem lost there is chance to become a better person. The interpersonal and interpersonal dialogue you used really amplified this theme as it showed how much Christopher changed over the course of the story. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and I look forward to reading more of your stories. Also, I think your storybook page looks amazing!

  3. Hello PB!
    I thought this was an incredible twist to the original story 'The Cunning Crane and the Crab'. I personally also wrote a story that derived from this origin, but mine wasn't nearly as deep or thoughtful as yours! I think that you did a wonderful job putting your own spin on the story. The fact that you incorporated the religion of Christianity into your story makes it even more interesting to read. I like how there was a lesson/moral of the story at the very end that illuminated the dangers of preventing light into your soul, and tainting it with the darkness of sins. I also thought that it was a nice touch to name the characters after people in the bible. In the bible, Joshua is the appointed successor to Moses, and he leads Israel in the conquest of Canaan after the Exodus from Egypt. In your story, Joshua plays a similar role leading Christopher and showing him the righteous path. The parallels in the roles and functions of the character adds more depth to your story in a great way!

  4. Hello PB!
    I thought the story was pretty spectacular from the start! It was like reading the transcript to an awesome sci-fi movie. Making the story exciting with superpowers and twists, I had a lot of fun reading your story! I will definitely be including transformations and superpowers into my next story. Without the power of super human strength, it seems like Raj had absolutely no chance against the transformation power and trickery. Love can often make people crazy, sometimes enough to make two alpha males go head to head in order to get the girl they love. Well, in stories like these, I wonder what the girl is thinking. I could not make two people fight to the death over me but I guess the Queen rightfully deserves a man who does not lose.

  5. Hello PB!

    Wow! Your retold version of the Cunning Crab was such a great read. The story took such a big turn when Joshua began to preach wisdom to Christopher! The writing style you used was also excellent! "here is only one final destination in life, and no man or women can predict when," was my favorite line of the story! The moral of the original source story was definitely advocated in distinct fashion through your retell. Furthermore, I wonder how Christopher intended to fool Joshua. He never really got the chance because Christopher spoke immediately. What if you added a little bit of more content from Christopher. Also, how did Joshua vanish? You could potentially add some Epics of India personality to the story if you mentioned him as a god like Krishna. Overall, your story was great.

  6. Hey, PB!

    Story 1:
    I thought that this was a really creative interpretation of the Crane and the Crab story! The trope of a person to escort you to cross the threshhold has always been one of my favorite tropes in mythology. Perhaps my favorite variant is Charon from Greek mythology, and I think that you did a great job utilizing that trope and those character traits here. Your narrative style also does this work great justice with phrases like "he felt as if Joshua looked through his soul". One thing I wonder is that if there is any specific intent or hidden meaning behind the Judeochristian reinterpretation of this story? I think that you have done a great job with framing this story within a religious context, but I am just curious to know your thought process behind it.

    Story 2: I believe I've already commented on this story at another time, but I will say again that I enjoyed this story and that I thought it was a good rendering of the source!


  7. Hey PB,
    Wow! I thought your first story was really good but I can see that you have taken what you have learned and really applied it for this second story. The story of Rama and Ravana was definitely one of my favorites and you took it to another level by making it your own. I am a real big fan of how you create knew characters that are adaptations of the original. I wonder if you decided to focus on a different part of the story would those be the same characters you would focus on? I also wonder if it had been better to show insight into their train of thoughts to incorporate a little more dialogue? I see you mentioned that in your authors notes and I think it'd be a good addition. What if for the next part the entirety of the story is a conversation between Ravana and Rama in the afterlife?

  8. Hey PB!

    Your portfolio looks great! I like how you added the Sri Lankan flag into your google site. Ravana, a king who Rama went against because of Sita, was king of Lanka, short for Sri Lanka. I think that is absolutely brilliant how you are from there! Furthermore, Story 1 was a great read. The story of Rama and Ravana are one of the most outstanding from the Ramayana, in my opinion. Your writing style was exquisite. Although, I feel like you should add a little bit more of dialogue to your story. This would help the reader understand the characters more, which would help translate the story. Also, the pictures you use for your google site are a great choice! It's a nice layout. You did a great job keeping the same moral message that came from The Cunning Crane and the Crab. In conclusion, your rewrite and authors note are excellent and I think this is one of the best rewrites of this specific story.

  9. Hi PB! Your first story was a super interesting and creative take on the cunning crab story, and you can definitely see the similarities between the two. I really liked the way that from the instant that Joshua saw Christopher, he could see right through him. You did a great job in presenting Joshua as a wise and experienced man, and it made it seem like he had seen something like this before. I think it would be a cool addition if you were able to go into more detail on what happens to these people once Christopher has forced them to the darkness. Maybe some dialogue with someone who had been under Christopher's curse. Overall, really nice story.

    P.S. - So cool you are from Sri Lanka! I am from Pakistan, do you watch cricket at all? One of my favorite players is Lasith Malinga from the Sri Lanka national team!

  10. Hello PB!
    I thought your first story was a very interesting read and really enjoyed the twists and turns! I especially enjoyed when Joshua started preaching wisdom to Christopher, I thought the story really took a turn there. I do however, enjoy stories better when there is a lot of dialogue, so I think it'd be nice to add more. You made an excellent improvement from story 1 to story 2. Also, I think you can add more in your author's notes. In my story, I made the mistake of not reading how to write the author's notes, but really enjoyed writing it once I was finished. It's super cool that you are from Sri Lanka as I am from South Korea myself! It is always nice to see someone from a different side of the globe just like myself. Hope you are enjoying your studies here as much as I am!

  11. Hey PB!
    I just read your first story in your portfolio! It was SO GOOD! I really liked how Christopher had a goal in mind, and that you sort of gave him a little backstory. However, I don’t think his backstory was enough to make him be a bad guy. I mean anyone can have a tough life, right? I guess I am confused as to what made Christopher want to do this. Who convinced him? How did they appeal to him? What was it that made him weak? Of course, this story works without it, as the focus isn’t primarily who he was, rather who he was meant to become, right? As I was reading, I couldn’t help but think of Darth Vader trying to convince Luke that the Dark Side was the side he needed to be on. I don’t think that is really what you were going for, but that is what that point in your story made me think of! Thank you for sharing!

  12. Hey PB,
    I just finished reading Heart Beatdown, also it was incredibly fitting which I’m sure you meant to do. By the way, I love the titles of your stories! They are great! I really loved the story. It was a classic two guys fight for the girl. I grew up reading stories like that. I really liked how you gave each of the guys a backstory in this one as well. They were complete opposites in that one was basically collected and had it all together while the other was this reckless person who left a path of destruction everywhere he went. It was interesting to read because they are both fighting for a girl that seems to be incredibly indecisive. Other than the fact that it seems to end abruptly, I really loved reading the story. It seemed really thought out and was incredibly cohesive. Thank you for sharing!

  13. Hey PB,

    First of all I love the way that your portfolio is set up it really catches the eye and made me want to read more. The name of your story is also really good "stories on stories" it is catchy and not so bland like other people have. The first story was really interesting to me and as I was reading it I had no idea where the story was going to take me. You obviously have a very creative mind and it shows in your stories. The authors notes could be a little longer and maybe tell us a little more about the original story. I like how in the second story you made both the brothers have interest in Sita and therefore forcing a fight between the two brothers. I enjoyed your stories and am looking forward to how you progress this semester.
    Philip Crowley

  14. Hi PB,
    TAG. Your portfolio is set up very uniquely and creative. I haven't seen anyone's portfolio look like this yet. I like how your author notes have arrows to expand so the reader can read it instead of it just being there. One thing I will tell you is that I think instead of labeling them "Story 1" and "Story 2," you could name it something like "Heaven." I think this would be a little better other than just saying Story. Both of the stories you have written up to this point are very well written and use great dialogue. I think dialogue is a great addition to all stories because it lets the reader understand who is saying what and what is going on. I really enjoyed reading your author's note on the "Passage to Heaven" story. It seems as if you definitely took some time in realizing how you wanted to write your story and how you wanted to change it from the original. The feedback I would give to you would be what I said earlier. I think that would really catch the readers attention a little more. Your portfolio is great and keep it up!

  15. Hi PB, I wanted to say how cool the setup of your website is and how you have different buttons for each story. This will be super helpful for you down the line when you have more stories written! I agree with Logan that you could come up with more captivating titles other than the original display of each story. While looking through your portfolio, I noticed that your dialogue is on point and all of the details make the story unique, so continue using your creative writing skills as an advantage! Your overall portfolio looks really nice, but maybe you could ass a different photo under the library section instead of an actual library. For example, since your portfolio is over the stories written in the Ramayana, maybe you could include some sort of image that signifies the book. I think it's really cool how you used your home country's flag as an emblem for your blog. Does it play any sort of significance in your portfolio posts?

  16. Hi PB! This is my first time visiting your page, and I'm so impressed by your project! You are a talented writer, and did a great job of incorporating dialogue, storytelling elements, and pacing! I really liked your first story about Christopher and Joshua. I wasn't sure where the story was going at first, but in the beginning, it reminded me a bit of Obi-Wan and Anakin from Star Wars! I liked that you also incorporated elements of Biblical history with a crossover into the Indian Epics, I thought that was super cool. You definitely put a big spin on the Cunning Crane and Crab, but it was done so flawlessly. I could tell you were coming up with your own story, but also using elements from one that you have already read. I also liked that you had a theme to guide you through your story, as that is a very important element, and I could tell that it was something you believed in strongly. Great job on this story!

  17. Hi PB!

    The setup of your page is interesting and although it was difficult for me to navigate at first, I came to appreciate the way you chose to set it up. I like the images you chose and, in fact, I would suggest adding in some more photos to increase the visual appeal of each new story.

    As to your Author's Notes, I felt that they all covered what I needed to know for each story. I would like to read some more about how your writing process went for each though as I always find that very interesting.

    With your stories, I appreciate the direction that you took all three of them. I also really like that you didn't stick exactly to each story either, but truly made them your own. It's what I like to do with my own stories so I like that you did the same.

    It's looking awesome so far! Keep up the good work.

  18. Hello PB!
    I really enjoyed reading your third story 'Krishna's Destiny'. I liked how because the story was simple and short, it was clear and concise. The fact that there was no dialogue actually made the story better in my opinion. The way you split up the 3 paragraphs was also helpful to the reader, and allowed me to follow along in a way that was easy to understand. Use of the first paragraph to set up background information and set the scene was a great idea, and I think you did that well. The second paragraph was the main body and content of your story, and the descriptive language used here added to make the story interesting. I think that the final paragraph ended the story perfectly, by leaving the reader on a cliffhanger you are able to draw them in more to what happens next in this series. I also liked that the icon for this story changed colors, and that you had 2 illustrations for the reader to have more visual aid to go with your story. The only suggestion I would have is to reorder the sentence structure of the first paragraph, placing it in chronological order as much as possible to eliminate some confusion; for example, start with krishna's parents, then his birth, and finally his destiny.

  19. Hi PB,
    I really enjoyed looking through your portfolio!
    It was really cool how you managed to get a slideshow of pictures that you can scroll through on your Story 3 page. Good job!
    I liked your third story because it manages to capture the essence of Krishna's story in a short, simple piece of writing. When I read about Krishna I found that a lot of the stories about his life were variations on more or less the same events (i.e. Kamsa tries to kill Krishna or his friends and fails), so your version is kind of a good summary for someone who just wants the big idea. One suggestion I'd make is that you might want to change some of the names you are using. Lakshmi is actually a goddess whose human incarnation is Rukmani, Krishna's wife, so it might be confusing to use this name for Krishna's mother. In addition, Karma (as far as I know) is actually a religious concept, so it might be a good idea to use Kamsa's original name or some other variant.